If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
The best plant holders?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?