Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
And that about sums it up.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.