Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
You Might Also Like
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
a lot to unpack here
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*