Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
You Might Also Like
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*jazz hands*
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”