Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”