I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Waiting for the Charmin
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.