Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
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Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.