Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.