Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me, in DM rooms…
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
How to wake up a Beagle
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?