I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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just having fun
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
what
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My love language is hissing.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator