yeah not falling for this one
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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Selfie
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.