*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
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This is hilarious….
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I can’t wait!
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.