Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.