A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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My Sentiments Exactly
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.