PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?