Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
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Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
are there any atheist mantises?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???