“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.