getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
pep talk
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.