she would like to bark at the manager, please.
You Might Also Like
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Vodka burrito was a success
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?