I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
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BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I already tried new things thanks.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs