teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”