Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
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I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
#titanic
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.