Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
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Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”