Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.