Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Probably my best painting.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”