wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Follow me for more life hacks.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.