Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?