No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
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Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.