“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
shit just got real
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.