*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
some things should go without saying
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.