‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.