Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
BRO LMFAO
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome