Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.