This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
You Might Also Like
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet