I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!