I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.