Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
the #horror is real!
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny