2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
This headline is a thing of beauty
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
mumsnet is amazing
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.