At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
sistine chapel
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial