[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.