me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?