I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I want what they have
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I’m already scared
he was correct
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Nothing to do, you say?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield