Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.