INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
We like the way Dwight thinks
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?