*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Word!
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.