[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
You Might Also Like
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.