Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.