I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
are they though??
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.