My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
*checks Timeline*…
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.