The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.